Review - Saturn 3

SATURN 3 (1980)

The plot: Maniac and his pet robot invade a post-modern Garden of Eden situated on the 3rd moon of Saturn. Antics ensue. From the producers of 'The Muppet Movie' and the director of 'Singin' in the Rain.'

The poop: We have Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett-(then)Majors as botanists stationed on the 3rd moon of Saturn, growing food because Earth has become too polluted. Why the 3rd moon of Saturn? There's nothing closer? Wouldn't orbiting space stations a'la 'Silent Running' do the trick with less transportation cost and time? Okay, pretend all that makes sense. So, then we have Harvey Keitel, who kills an interstellar Fed-Ex driver, hijacks his ship, and ends up at Kirk and Farrah's fun farm, where he develops a case of the hots for Farrah,  assembles his super-creepy robot pal Hector, and downloads his id into the thing. Why? Because Hector's runs on live brain tissue, and has to be programmed via direct link to another brain. Why Keitel, instead of Fawcett-Majors or Douglas, since they're the botanists, and Hector ostensibly is there to help them in their research? Why not?

Look, I have nothing against stupid movies. Own tons of them, matter of fact. It's just when stupid movies try to be all meaningful and symbolic, they come off looking dumber than they really are. When they acknowledge their stupidity and roll with it, it's usually a lot more fun. This should have been a quick, down and dirty piece of fun trash (see 'Forbidden World,' 'Galaxy of Terror' and 'Creature'), but they got so caught up in imitating the look of 'Alien,' and the whole Garden of Eden angle, they lost their way. And let it be said that 'Alien' was plenty stupid in it's own way, but it worked because it never forgot it was a monster movie.

Deal-breakers: Boring. You'd think a movie where Harvey Keitel downloads his id into a robot, who tries for sloppy seconds off Lee Majors wouldn't be dull, but here you go. Speaking of Keitel, the studio re-dubbed his character's voice before release. The producers gave him a British accent, because they thought no one would buy Keitel's New York accent. All the other silly shit  in the movie was apparently okay, but Keitel's New York accent was the kiss of death.

The up-side: Hector, the super-creepy robot, described as "first in the Demi-God series." Word of advise to any marketing department that may be listening: I don't care how lame the product, if you call it "first in the Demi-God series," I'd probably buy it.  New Stay-Tuff Maxi-Pads, first in the Demi-God series? So mine.  But, yeah, Hector's the only cool thing going on here. 

If there's a producer out there looking for a SF property to remake, 'Saturn 3' is he textbook example of a movie begging for a remake. The plot elements are not bad in and of themselves, they just need a little tweak here and there. Tighten it up. Lose the obvious symbolism. Put in one or two likable characters. Perfectly good movies like 'Rollerball,' 'Death Race 2000' and 'RoboCop' get remakes, but 'Saturn 3' does not.

Makes a great double-bill with: Laundry to fold

Other stuff: Martin Amis is credited with the screenplay. Yes, Martin Amis the acclaimed writer of  'The Rachel Papers.' I have no idea if what hit the screen was in any way, shape or form what he intended, and given this sucker's rocky production history, it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't. And even if it was, the man was a self-confessed 'Space Invaders' addict. Brother needed the quarters. 

And yes, the director, Stanley Donan, is the same Stanley Donan that directed 'Singin' in the Rain,' and several other pictures widely considered better than 'Saturn 3.' He wasn't the first pick for director, though. The first pick was art director John Berry, who dodged this bullet to work on 'The Empire Strikes Back.' Depending on who you talk to, you can thank Kirk Douglas for Barry's early exit.

Shout Factory, through their Scream Factory label, is giving this the blu-ray treatment in December this year. Am I picking it up? Oh, hell yes.